Im here, at his house, and I just cant trust him, I cant listen to what he has to say about us, I cant handle. So im distant and mysterious, because im texting the dope boy working out my next fix. I cant do this again.
I am so lonely, all the time. its all I know. how can I expect that to change? at what point is it appropriate to truely give up? I honestly thought that everyone, rich or poor, gets a chance to not be alone. beyond the unattainable dreams we all have, that not wanting to be alone was a rational thing to hope for. not perfection, not the model relationship, just real and honest and felt within both parties. I dont believe that anymore. I think im just that unlucky, or an exception. I could deal with everything else I never speak of, this fucked up shit everyday, if I didnt have to cope with it by myself. Coping is obviously not my forte. Thats why im such a little junky. I dont want someone to save me or take care of me, I know being with someone wont fix me and im grateful I know that. I want something mutual and genuine and fucked up but lasting and beautiful. in spite of this fucked up life, which im sure itll maintain its self as, I could more than make do with that. If I just had one fucking bone here man, one fucking bone…
my lack of care about anything has risen to a new level. ive never felt so listless and undetermined to get better. I dont care if I dont get better. I dont care if I die not getting better. as long as its unintentional and while im passed out. if I can be decieved like I was, theres no hope that Ill ever be able to discern reality from fiction. I just dont care. the surface numbness has gotten worse, now my hand is starting to lose sensation. and I just dont care. Im just gonna get high when I can, and muddle through when I cant. I cant be by myself anymore, I just cant. I hate myself and I know im stupid and fucked up and undesirable and when im high at least its kind of like not being by my idiot self every day and night. Atleast I feel less awful about myself when I feel so good. I dont care what happens anymore. Im tired of trying to follow a path to being better that ill never truely traverse. I dont know why ive resisted my nature for so long. And my nature is a downward spiral.
heroin chic? more like heroin bleak.
but thats for tomorrow.
tonight, the dopes still sweet.
its just been a junk kinda week.
MORE DOPE BIG WHOOP
I hate feeling like shit and I miss the guy who I love. everything is so fucking stupid. I hate this. Its easier to be alone all the time when its not relative and compared to being with him. Being alone when I had always been alone was managable, but being alone after the fact of falling in love is excrutiating. Itd be easier if he just stopped talking to me. It be less confussing if he didnt still say he loves me. Itd be easier if everything else wasnt falling apart simultaneously. I get paid tomorrow, and all I can think about buying more dope. Theres nothing else anymore. I am nothing anymore.
(leaning back towards being a) DOPEFIEND (not so much or anything near a) SUPERSTAR
I need a rig and its hard as fuck to get one in this state without having legit diabetes. fuuuuuck I hope the dope boy can find one!
I am strung the fuck out. time to take a minimal amount of bupe. I miss him so much.
I just got a gram of dope and idgaffffffffffffffffffff in a sea of wrong, this feels right